Sunday, October 27, 2013

the ancient paths

Last Friday night, Matthew and I drove down to Lincoln to hear - get this - Andrew Peterson, Sara Groves, and Bebo Norman in concert. Yes, Andrew AND Sara. Talk about a VZ dream show, right? And the evening didn't disappoint. Beautiful songs, beautiful stories, beautiful setting (the stained glass windows at College View Church were breathtaking).


As tends to happen at these shows for me, God was at work. I really don't know what it is about these artists and this music, but when I go to a concert like this, I find I believe in Him more firmly and feel most completely myself than I do in most other settings. I wish I could describe it here, but I just can't. The long and short of it is that evenings like this one really make me feel alive and excited about the story God is telling in me and around me.

Lately I've been (obviously) thinking a lot about the HUGE life transition that is approximately six weeks away. I will soon be leaving the job I've had for almost a decade and becoming a mom. It's baffling and exhilarating and terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. So I've been thinking a lot about my job. It's surreal that I'll be leaving soon. It hasn't sunk in yet. That place and those people have been such a huge part of my life for so long... And I've been thinking about how scary it was to move here back in 2004, and how I really felt so discontent and unhappy here off and on for so many years. I still don't know exactly when it happened, but somewhere along the road, at some point over the past decade, the angst stopped and this became home. I know Matthew had a lot to do with that, but I still can't exactly pinpoint how this all coalesced into this life that I'm living now. I can't explain it, but I'm grateful.

In 2004, one of the songs that I sang a lot was Sara's "Painting Pictures of Egypt", which starts with "I don't want to leave here, I don't want to stay..." That summed up a lot of how I felt during the transition from college to adulthood. And the song ends with "If it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it - is that the reason behind all this time and sand?"

Sara sang this song last Friday night and it gave me goosebumps as I sit poised to face the biggest transition I've seen since (and including) moving here. Yes, getting married was a big transition, too, but somehow doesn't quite compare. Marrying Matthew felt like the most natural thing in the world. And this whole domestic motherhood thing? Not quite as natural.

"The past is so tangible, I know it by heart. Familiar things are never easy to discard. I was dying for some freedom but now I hesitate to go. I am caught between the promise and the things I know..." This baby is all I've wanted for the past two years. It's been a long road to get here. So I suppose I've been surprised by just how scared I am. I'm excited and eager and ready (sort of!), but it is definitely scary to be casting away my familiar, comfortable life, in favor of this wild and unknown promise God is fulfilling in our family.

And last Friday's concert reminded me just how true the Story really is, and how the trials and fears of life are absolutely necessary for us to become the people Jesus wants us to be. Andrew is writing the fourth book in his Wingfeather Saga, and talked to us a little about how the storytelling process started for him. He created this character, Janner, and he thought about who he wanted this young man to become. And he quickly realized that the only way Janner would become the man that Andrew wanted him to be was to ruin his life. He knew that the story would only be compelling and meaningful and character-building (literally, in this case), because of the conflicts and challenges this young man would face along the way.

As an English major, I've always known this on an intellectual level. Yes, conflict is what makes for good stories. But somehow this was a real-life epiphany for me in Lincoln last week. Yes, the conflict that God allows into my life is what is refining me into the woman He wants me to be. The trials are essential for my story. They are not always episodes that should be avoided at all costs, but adventures that should be embraced. Easier said than done, I know... but it was exactly what I needed to hear, not only in terms of my life, but in terms of the life of my child.

I am such a fearful woman. It's going to be hard to not fret and smother this poor kid. But I feel like God is already preparing me to let go and to trust that though my child will suffer and will face trials in life, it's okay... just as God has used hard things in my life to build and shape me, He is going to do the same for this little person. And there's still going to be plenty of joy and grace and beauty along the way to make it all worth it.

The highlight of the evening for me was when Andrew played "You'll Find Your Way", a song he wrote for his son on the brink of his teenage years. I've been singing this song over my baby in my heart quite a bit. It's based on Jeremiah 6:16: "This is what the Lord says: 'Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.'" My prayer is that, no matter where life will lead this little one, he or she will always keep to the ancient paths, and he/she will always hold on to the hope that the Story is true... and that the author is so very good.


When I look at you, boy
I can see the road that lies ahead
I can see the love and the sorrow

Bright fields of joy
Dark nights awake in a stormy bed
I want to go with you, but I can't follow

So keep to the old roads
Keep to the old roads
And you'll find your way

Your first kiss, your first crush
The first time you know you're not enough
The first time there's no one there to hold you

The first time you pack it all up
And drive alone across America
Please remember the words that I told you

Keep to the old roads
Keep to the old roads
And you'll find your way
You'll find your way

If love is what you're looking for
The old roads lead to an open door
And you'll find your way
You'll find your way
Back home

And I know you'll be scared when you take up that cross
And I know it'll hurt, 'cause I know what it costs
And I love you so much and it's so hard to watch
But you're gonna grow up and you're gonna get lost
Just go back, go back

Go back, go back to the ancient paths
Lash your heart to the ancient mast
And hold on, boy, whatever you do
To the hope that's taken hold of you

And you'll find your way
You'll find your way
If love is what you're looking for
The old roads lead to an open door
And you'll find your way
You'll find your way
Back home

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